Sunday, I dropped off my sweet T at sleepaway camp. He's never been, and after 2 years of wanting it, it finally happened.
And it's about to kill me.
He hadn't even been gone 12 hours and already I felt like I might not survive.
This is new to me. Not because I don't miss my kids when they're away, I do, but it's hitting me hard this time.
I mean, I didn't see my oldest for two weeks last summer because of camp and visits to his cousins' house, and I didn't feel like this.
My daughter went to her grandparents' for a week last year and I didn't miss her at all (but that was because she didn't give me a chance -- girlfriend sent me 176 texts over the course of 5 days, not to mention 2-3 phone calls a day).
T went to his gradparents' for a week earlier this summer, and I was fine. So what's up?
I can't talk to him. And he surprised me when he got homesick at his grandparents' house. And he hasn't been away really at all since he was tiny and now this is twice in one summer.
And he hugged me so hard and for so long on Sunday that I thought he might have cracked my phone. And said "I love you Mom...sooooo much." And then hugged me some more.
And I don't know what that means. Was he feeling nervous? Was it just a love gush? Was he trying to keep it together? Did he think I was trying to? Was he so, so happy? Was he thanking me for sending him? Or was he just being a love bug?
To be honest, he's been pulling away from me lately. Totally normal, he is 10 after all. But he's my baby and I'm not ready. Little Meems has always been immensely, securely, in the fold. Seriously, she may never leave. She still says that when she grows up she wants to get married, have babies and move back home. Lord help us. And W, well, he's been been walking away from me since he could walk at all. Those two are total opposites. T is to gray what the other two are to black and white.
He's going to have so much fun. He told me he was looking forward to a sense of freedom the most. I want him to experience that too. I'm so excited for him.
Maybe it was I love you and I'll miss you and I'm excited and I'm nervous and I'm feeling a little insecure and also secure right here and goodbye and thank you. All the feels, all at once.
Maybe it was just a mirror of my own feelings. All the complex, confusing, overwhelming, make-you-crazy mom feels.
All at once.
I'm counting down the days until I pick him up, but I am enjoying my time with the other two. My biggies. Life with them is so different when there's no little around.
And I have a new crack in my phone to prove it.
19 hours ago