Playing God

Today, I took the life of my oldest son into my own hands.

I feel strong, though.  I'm certain I have made the proper decision, despite what my critics might think.  Sometimes, we moms simply need to trust our instincts.  I would do anything for that kid...

...except let him wear shorts to school today.

Granted, it's 64 degrees right now.  It, however, is January and therefore it is not shorts weather.

He is certain he is going to die today of sweat.  He told me so.  Of course, he is wearing a double layer Under Armor sweatshirt, and he has no plans of removing it, I'm sure.  "Coat" my hiney.  That's his way of getting to wear it every day...as a jacket.  Clever.  Especially since this is the kid who never wants to wear one.

He told me he doesn't appreciate me taking chances with his life.  I told him I was willing to take that risk.  If he needed me to pick him up from school today in a bucket, we would cross that bridge when we came to it.  If he dies, it's on my head.

I waved him goodbye, he shot  me a dirty look.  I got the silent treatment all morning.  I didn't mind.  Ah, the sacrifices we moms make.

Pray for us.  Pray that he won't perish in a tragic melting accident.  Pray that, if he does, I have the strength to go on.  Pray that I can be a solace to other mothers whose children have also melted...melted because they wore pants.

Meems has claimed his room.  I told her she's jumping the gun.

He's a good kid.  I sure will miss him.

The Best Christmas Gift Ever!

Where's the Tylenol?

Baby Girl in the Big Wide World

When my Little Meems was born, we used to lay her between us on the bed and just look at her preciousness, and say "baby girl in the big wide world."

I don't know.  It's just one of those things you do and say.  You see, she was such a little thing, with (already) a big personality and a disarming charm.  She wasn't the cutest baby.  I can say that now that she's older, but it was true.  Cat eyes, huge fat baby cheeks, her nose somehow swollen from her time in the womb, and baby acne, all on a little pea head.  As much as I adore her and to me she's precious in every way and always has been, some of  her baby pictures will make you shudder.  Let's be honest, we don't all have beautiful children.  Or, rather, we do, but sometimes they're more beautiful to us than they are to others.

Of course, now I think she's the prettiest little girl ever.  Even at the advent of her awkward phase, which I was worried about, because I was an awkward looking child.  Just ask my dad.  Her big sparkly eyes, bouncy curls and dimples, and the disarming charm -- she turned out OK, grew into everything and now gets compliments on her complexion.

Today, for the first time ever, she rode her bike ALL BY HERSELF, down to her friend's house.  She's done it before, with her older brother, but never alone.  I asked her if she wanted to, or if she'd rather I drive her and of course she exploded into a dimpled frenzy.

I gave her explicit instructions about cycling safety and stranger safety.  The truth is, she wasn't going to be out of sight of a grownup watching her, as when I couldn't see her any more, her friend's mom could.  But there's a street which is an entrance into our neighborhood, and as such it gets more traffic.  Usually teenagers going too fast.  Her dad came outside to ask me if I thought this was a good idea.  Despite my misgivings and an overwhelming desire to scoop her up and never put her down, I assured him I thought it was.  Even though I wasn't so sure myself.

I watched her bundle up in her leggings, new fleece hoodie and her pink helmet.  Her braids hanging to her shoulders, she pedaled away as fast she could on her big purple bike.  I watched her all the way down the street, becoming a little breathless as she reached the intersection...and was so very amazed by and proud of her for following my safety rules.

And I started to cry.

Because there goes my "baby girl...out into the big wide world."

Pajama Jeans

My son told me I needed to get a pair of these.

For the bus stop in the morning -- just add shoes!  And because when I get home from work at 4:00, I change into my pajamas (hey, there's no sense in changing twice).  And because at age almost-6, he already has a wicked sense of humor.

Although...he might be onto something.

What Just Happened?

A second ago, my sleepy little daughter smiled at me and curled up next to me on the chair.  Suddenly, out of thin air, this sweet little angel was replaced by a demon with red eyes and sharp teeth, lips curled in a snarl.  I think she might have actually growled at me while she was viciously rolling her eyes. 

All because I asked her (gasp!) what she wanted for breakfast. 

This has been going on for a couple weeks now.  She’s 8.  She can’t be hormonal yet, can she?  Does she even HAVE hormones? 

I have been struggling.  What don't I know?  What am I not seeing?  Is she lashing out because she’s hurting?  Is she acting out because there’s something upsetting her and she doesn’t have the words for it?  Does she feel wronged?  Is she struggling?  Is it me?

Or is it just a girl thing? 

It’s not been pleasant.  She is always in trouble these days.  I don’t know what to do.  She is an emotional wreck.  An emotional wreck who hates me one minute and is clinging to me for dear life the next, sobs wracking her little body.  There have been many, many tears…from both of us. 

I’m at a loss.  What’s worse than trying to guess what’s wrong with your child?  Than fretting over an internal struggle – real or imagined?  Than not knowing how to help your child…or knowing if she even needs your help?

I wish there was a guide book for children.  Is this normal?  You know, I've been prying so hard, trying so desperately to find out what's wrong...what if this is all completely normal?  She's always been a bit emotional and dramatic (oh, who'm I kidding, yes that's an understatement).  What if it's just pre-tween-ness?  GIRL pre-tween-ness.  What if this is just the beginning of years of eye rolls and snarky comments.      
She’s always kept me guessing.  I guess this confirms she always will.  And just when I was finally feeling like I have her figured out a little.  I guess it's time to pick my battles.  Honestly, if it means that this is just hormones and not some sort of unspoken trauma, I'll take it. 


I can do this.  WE can do this.  Me and a case or two of wine, that is.