Friday, June 16, 2017

All the Feels

Yesterday, my baby "graduated" from 5th grade.

It's the end of an era for us.  10 years of elementary school -- POOF!

I thought I was totally OK about it.  Truthfully, I was more relieved to be done with elementary school than I was sad that my wee one was moving on.  He's ready.  I am too.

Or so I thought.

Yesterday afternoon, as I was watching some movie that was on with him, relaxing after the culmination of a crazy week, I burst into tears completely out of the blue.  This wasn't your everyday nostalgic weepiness.  Oh no, it was full on, ugly, "oh no mom's lost her s*&^" crying.

Ok, truth.  It wasn't completely out of the blue and for no apparent reason.  It was because I looked over and saw my little T loving on the dog.  Which, clearly, caused every feeling I have ever had EVER to come pouring out of me like the bathtub overflowing into the family room below.

That's how horrifying it was.

Two kids stared at me with alarm, followed by concern and confusion.

My compassionate one yelled "what is WRONG with you?" in her panic.  So she's not good under pressure.  Maybe nursing isn't her calling after all.  We'll work on that.  T just stood there, not knowing what to do.

"Is it because T graduated from school today?  I know, our little baby is growing up," she said with a knowing nod, met with a scowl and an exasperated sigh from her little brother.

baby belly on the beach


I explained, through my sobs and mascara streams, that it was because of how much Tate loves the dog.   You should have seen the looks on their faces.  Marching on, I explained that that unconditional love he feels for her and she feels for him is how parents feel about their children.  How they want to just hold their children forever.  How a mom's arms feel so empty sometimes and that we hold our children because we love hugging them, but also because for just a few fleeting moments, the children we hold so dear to our hearts are actually thisclose physically to them.  I acknowledged it sounded crazy and assured them they would understand one day.

I told them it's hard to watch your babies grow up and grow away.  That suddenly, nothing will ever be the same because he walked across that stage and that's it - the end of that chapter.

Add this to my growing list of lasts

i might cry again


Then I recovered, and everyone went on their way.

I went to the grocery store and bought three bottles of wine.  And then I sat on my porch by myself and drank a nice glass of rose and quietly settled into my new reality.

You know what?  My new reality makes me feel really old.  So, there's that.  But it's OK.  I'm ready for new adventures and this next phase.

But I may need another glass of wine first.

No comments: